nostalgia, i don't need you anymore
by Masquerading with Shadows
Summary: What made you think it would be simple? / André-centric; Tori/André; some Jade/André.


His first love was music.

(So, really, Vega can go fuck herself.)

.

His parents had a loveless marriage. He knows this because his father ran away when he was only nine to go get married to someone ten years younger than his mother. He left a note on the dining room table, with no words. Only music notes. His mother burst into tears when she played it. She hasn't played the piano since.

She re-assures him that it didn't start out that way, that once upon a time, they were in love and singing happily together in a broken down jazz club. Even though she refuses to ever mention it, he knows she still has a bunch of songs on old manuscript paper that were dedicated to her - _love songs_, dedicated to her.

He believes her now.

.

Everything really _is_ all glitter and sparkles and happy love songs when Tori comes. She smiles, and he smiles, and he plays the piano while she dance. It's simple and perfect (except, it's not really, but it should be because Tori's around).

In the first year that he meets her, he can't stop writing songs. It's as if every single damn word that he's never had the courage to say, can't say, even if it's only the slightest implication, floods out of him once he puts his pen to paper; his fingers to black and white keys.

(He tells himself that it's _just_ a little crush every time Tori walks past him, smiling at him, cursing when his heart flutters. And then he gets in trouble next period when the teacher finds him writing music rather than doing the maths problems, and he tries to blame Tori but he just fucking _can't_.)

At least we're friends, he thinks to himself. At least I was the first person she met here at Hollywood Arts. _At least, at least, at least_, the mantra continues in his head. But he does manage to throw out more than ten songs that have the words, _just not enough_, written on them.

.

He goes with her everywhere. He likes her company, he likes the fun they have, he likes her voice and how she always seems to have an excuse to sing and that means he always has an excuse to play. They work together. True, it's hard to ever get her alone, because she's always helping someone, whether it be Trina or Beck, or even Jade. Still, her company is always worth it.

And that's why he refuses to fuck this thing up.

(It's just a crush, and not even a serious one at that. So, nothing to worry about, right?)

He writes another song about her and gives it to her, wondering if she's suspecting anything (- if she's finally getting the hints).

.

There are only a couple of people he couldn't ever hate in the world. His mother, grandmother, Tori, Beck, and the rest of his friends.

And sometimes, he hates himself for that.

.

They start dating when they're seventeen; Tori&André and André&Tori.

Their first kiss is at prom. They're sitting alone together, with Beck and Jade dancing (or, actually, Jade just smirking at Beck as he attempts to moonwalk), Cat and Robbie laughing together, and Trina sitting next to, and glaring, at Rex while she waits for a boy who will never come to ask her to dance. And he's sitting next to Tori, listening to the music and composing a song in his head at the same time.

He likes her company, the warmth of her body through her dark blue dress. Despite her act of being happy with her friends, he knows that she's still disappointed that nobody asked her. But she's giggling slightly, her lips still pink from the punch which he realised too late was spiked.

"What's so funny," he asks, even though he already knows the answer. He just needs something to break the silence, because no matter how comfortable it is, it still seems daunting.

"I'm just," she pauses, smiling at him and letting another small giggle escape. "_happy_."

Ten minutes later, they have their first kiss when the light hits the disco ball just right and showers them in a rainbow, and the music turns slow.

(She tastes like spiked punch and glitter.)

.

Except, nothing really changes, they just hold hands more often and, instead of kisses on cheeks, it's kisses on lips. It's so fucking simple, and so fucking wonderful, and everybody smiles at them as they walk through the hallway.

The first thing Beck says to him when he finds out is, _I told you that you were going to get together. It would be weird if you didn't, everyone was expecting it_. He just smiles and nods, giving Beck a hi-five as he leaves.

He's happy. So goddamn happy every time Tori comes over and presses her glossed up lips to his, just for no reason - just because she _felt_ like it. He loves it, loves her (and now it doesn't have to be a silly little crush, does it?).

He goes over to her place one night, bringing her favourite pizza and some movie that he doesn't really care about, but he knows just from the name that it's a chick flick. She smiles as she lets him in, Trina just sighing loudly and stomping up the stairs. He's just glad that they're alone.

They're barely watching it, just sitting on the couch as they finish of the pizza. Half way through, her eyes become glazed and she rests her head against his shoulder. Without really thinking, he wraps his arm around her and kisses the top of her head. Her lips turn up slightly.

"Did you - were you," she falters, already sounding half asleep. "Did you ever think that this would happen?" He squeezes her arm slightly, and this time, he really doesn't mean it.

"Not really," he says (lies). "It was sort of unexpected, too natural to try and make it work." At this, they both smile, though he's not really sure why.

"Good," she says softly. Her yawn escapes her lips. "You write any songs lately?"

"Of course," he replies, laughing softly. "What did you expect?"

They don't talk again, and by the time the credits roll around, she's sound asleep.

.

They've been dating more than six months when he finally shows her some of the songs stuffed in the bottom of his draw. While all the other songs he's given her are clean and new, these are creased and have messy, bold lines scrawled over it, blocking out words so you can barely make out what they once said. They also have more drums and lower piano notes and a harsher guitar sound.

Neither of them talk while she reads through them, not even humming the tune, just taking in the lyrics. He's pretty sure that she reads it at least thrice before she even begins to take in the tune. After a little while (too long, is all he can think) she looks up and gives him a strained smile, nodding her head when he asks if she wants to sing them.

Even with just the piano, the songs still sound too angry or too sad, or even too desperate. It all sounds so different, even Tori (and he almost stops playing when he hears that first note and it reminds him so much of his mother).

She calls for a break only twenty minutes later, saying that she just needs time to get the rhythm right; for it to become more familiar to her. He plays the tune for her softly, trying to help her, and she smiles at him in thanks.

"I'm so sorry, André," she says moments later.

"It's fine," he says. "It's new. I wasn't expecting you to get it perfect the first time." She just nods her head, and looks back down at the manuscript in her hand, her eyes blank. He sighs so softly she can't hear, and begins to play make it shine.

"Something more familiar," he says warmly when she looks up at him in surprise. Her smile is big and real, and immediately she starts singing along. He looks at her the whole time, not even needing to look once at the keys because that's just how familiar it all is to him.

The rest of the time, they sit their laughing, him occasionally banging out some vaguely familiar tune, or a variation of it, smiling at Tori. He kisses her on the cheek when it's time for her to go home.

(He doesn't bring up any of the songs ever again.)

.

When they're eighteen, Beck gets his next big part in a movie. He has a minor part, and he's going to Italy for a week to film it. They all go out for drinks to celebrate the night before he leaves. Tori is also going out for an audition in two days time, so as they clink their glasses together they wish both Beck&Tori good luck (except it should just be Beck and Tori).

He's not quite sure what happens; how Tori goes from drinking orange juice to wine, or when everything running through their systems becomes too much to handle. Except he notices when Jade's eyes darken and she almost slams her beer back on the table. He's about to ask what's wrong when she swallows forcefully and gives him a pointed look, and he quickly closes his mouth.

He's never seen her look so lost before, her eyes are glazed and her lips pursued - and he has no idea why. He sees her take one long swig of her beer, finishing it off. You poor, sad bastard, she manages suddenly, her voice harsh. Without another word, she leaves.

Then, he sees what she was looking at before, what she was blocking from his view. He too then gets up and leaves, his fists clenched and his nails digging into his palm, the image of Tori and Beck laughing and kissing burned into his retinas.

(Except he comes back because she's drunk and she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing and he can't just leave her there.

He's a fucking idiot, isn't he?)

.

He doesn't say anything to Tori - not a word. Just smiles and hates himself even more when he realises that she doesn't know, doesn't even have a goddamn clue that he's angry with her (but at least that means that she doesn't remember it, doesn't remember Beck).

The day that she goes out for her audition, he can't take it anymore. He just walks out of the house suddenly, with no clue of where he's going. He just walks around, trying to vent his anger out (which is stupid because he doesn't have a paper, pen, or a piano and it's just _useless_).

He ends up at Beck's RV, and somehow, just being there, he remembers that he can't be angry at his friends (except he still is, so what is he supposed to do?). Without really thinking, he pushes on the door to see if it's open, and to his utter surprise, it is.

He finds Jade in there on his bed, wearing one of Beck's flannel t-shirts, her knees pulled up close to her chest, and her face a fading pink. Once she notices him there, she immediately glares at him, though it's still clouded by surprise. When she realises he won't leave, she turns her gaze away from him, and sees her looking at a picture of her and Beck on one of the shelves.

"Do you miss him?" He asks, though it's a stupid question, he knows. She just scoffs and tightens her hands into fists.

"No," her voice comes strong, except she won't look at him and the fact that she's in his trailer proves the statement wrong. "I hate him," she hisses, and he knows that he wasn't met to here it.

When she doesn't elaborate any further, he comes towards her slowly, being wary of the fact that she will most likely hit him. He manages to make it to the bed, and sits next to her (and somehow, it's still too close for him).

"I do too," he says after a while, his voice even softer than hers was.

.

They fuck in Beck's trailer.

It's harsh and it hurts, except it doesn't really matter because it's not Jade&André, it's Beck&Jade and André&Tori, and nothing except that matters.

(But afterwards, she cries, tears running down her porcelain face because now, Beck's shirt doesn't smell like him anymore, just sex, and they both hate it. He tries to calm her down, telling her it will all be ok.

She just reminds him that he was never the actor, just the musician.)

.

The kiss, the anger, the sex, none of it ever gets mentioned again. And he never ever gives that song to Tori. In fact, he only writes it once and then tears it up as soon as he's finished, only to slam his hands down on the piano when he realises that it didn't work.

_It didn't fucking work_, and now he knows that he's in trouble.

.

Tori doesn't get the part, and he feels so guilty because he knows that he's next on karma's list.

And then he tells her he loves her, and he thinks he just fucked it all up even more.

.

His grandmother dies just before his graduation, and there's nothing bitter-sweet about it.

The funeral is small, and he only takes Tori with him (and it looks all wrong for her to be in black, rather than red, or blue, or purple or pink - _just wrong_). He and his mother don't speak, barely even look at each other. Instead, they just stand next to each other and look in front of them, their eyes not focusing. He feels a little better when Tori's hand slips through his.

The ceremony is short; there are only a couple of words spoken about her life, conveniently leaving out her last years that were plagued by insanity. His mother sniffs, flowers and a photo of his grandmother looking young and happy are placed on the coffin, and then it's over. There's not even any music to lead them out (his mother still hates it, that answer your question?).

Afterwards, he curtly says goodbye to his mother, who's still talking to guests and tightening her grip on the thin crystal of her champagne glass, who smiles sadly at him and then gives him a hug. He tries to smile back, and then quickly takes Tori by the hand and leaves.

Tori promises not to leave him for the rest of the day, so he takes her home and immediately sheds his funeral clothes and puts on the brightest piece of clothing he has. He offers Tori one of his shirts as well, but she declines the offer and hugs him comfortingly, even though the best thing for her to do would to get out of all that fucking black.

They're silent for an age. Most of the time, she just lies on his bed while he stares out the window, looking at the road and the sky, wondering if his life is cliché enough for it to rain. He pretends not to hear her when she asks why wasn't his dad there, and she doesn't push it.

It doesn't rain.

.

He graduates with Tori by his side and death still hanging over his head. But it still looks hopeful, and he knows that he'll be fine with Tori by his side.

While he's still deciding whether he'll even go to college, Tori is getting auditions for movies and waiting for college applications to come back. She gets most of her parts, and worriedly chews her nails when she decides if she has time or not to go to college.

"You know I'll support you whatever you do," he says, smiling at her and giving her arms a squeeze. "Love you."

Finally, he decides to send one of the millions of recording studios in California a disc of all his songs and his mobile phone number, and this time it's Tori's turn to wait with him for that call.

He gets lots of, _not what we're looking for_, and, _sorry, but it's not new enough_, and even a, _this is not a Disney movie_, but never a yes. Tori comforts him throughout it all, while she herself manages to get more than half of the parts she tries out for. She kisses his cheek every time he gets a call saying no, and tells him that he'll get there, he will. He smiles and tells himself to believe her.

One day when Tori's out filming, he takes the disc out of the envelope that just got sent back - again - and throws it against the wall, smashing on impact. He doesn't make a move to pick it up, just watches as the light reflects on it and throws a rainbow around the room. Suddenly feeling very tired, his shoulders slump and he slumps against the couch, putting his face in his hands.

_One more time_, he thinks to himself. It's awhile before he finally gets the energy to stand up again. He then goes get a new CD and begins burning all the songs onto it again. He pauses slightly, a thought occurring to him, and with a hint of relunctance he goes and gets all the songs stuffed in the bottom of his draw. Quickly, he records them and puts them on his CD as well.

Two months later he gets a no, a sorry, and a

_yes_.

.

He doesn't sing the songs, doesn't even play the songs, but he writes them and he gets credit for that, and he thinks that's enough.

Most of his songs are used on somebody's debut album, and he's one of the first people to hear the whole album (except it's not sung by Tori, and it sounds _wrong_). The producers sit there tapping their feet to the wrong rhythm, smirking at him and telling him that they're on to something really good.

They're right - all of the singles get a lot of airplay and they manage to get into the Top 40. And every time Tori hears them on the radio she squeals and hugs him, and then proceeds to sing them at the top of her lungs, and he can't help but think that she sings them so much better than Linda, or Lindsey, or whatever her name is.

Nobody really knows his name yet, but it's ok. For now, he just likes to hear the sound of his music being played for the whole world to hear and sing along to.

.

Tori's first big movie is a hit, and everybody knows her name.  
He doesn't care. He's happy.

Really.

.

He goes with Tori to the red carpet, and they call him by his full name and always put that he's a song writer and a producer even though he's not (and Hollywood's just full of liars, he remembers now). He tries to smile for the camera, tries to make Tori proud of him, but his hands are shaking and nobody's taking pictures of him anyway (and every time he tries to kiss her, she just turns her head away).

Almost everybody ignores him inside as well, even Tori, though he knows she's trying not too. He uses it as an excuse to write more songs, and when one person asks what he's doing, he replies,

"Writing the best fucking song you've ever heard."

.

Of course, she gets more parts, and his songs start to reach the bigger and better stars, until finally, they're at number one and people are actually _asking _for his songs. This all happens in a rush, and before he knows it, he's twenty one and one of the biggest names in the musical world.

As for him and Tori (André&Tori, always André&Tori), he asks her to move in and she immediately says yes, and kisses him full on the lips. But then, of course, she's barely ever there anyway because she keeps on getting parts and awards, and he can feel her slipping through his fingertips.

(He'd say it was killing him, but _he's_ not the drama queen.)

.

He manages to find Jade again after three years. He can safely say that she didn't miss him.

She's famous too, just not as famous as Tori. Beck and Jade and still Beck&Jade (and Tori isn't as famous as Beck, and it's just some kind of cycle). He learns this while he chats to Jade, still outside her front door.

She hasn't changed.

"Why are you here again?" She asks suddenly. He shakes his head. "That's crap, tell my why," she commands again.

"I miss Tori," he says, without even realising it.

"And I'm just a great fucking replacement," Jade says. She looks at his watch, says bye quickly, and slams the door in his face.

.

They keep on missing each other. If one's there, the other one's here - it never really works out. He keeps on travelling because he's started producing, and the new places are inspiration (or maybe just an excuse). She travels because she's an actress, and it's what she does (even though she was always better at singing).

He's twenty-two, and with a jolt, he realises that his first real relationship is wasting away, and he has no idea how to stop it. He doesn't even bother ringing Jade or writing a song about it, because there's nothing else to say.

(Except maybe that he's going to try and stop it. Hopefully.)

.

He plans it on a night when they're both in town and both free, and he wishes on every single star that he can see that it will work, or god, it better work. He cooks dinner and lights candles, and then he waits. And it's almost midnight when she finally gets home.

She's crying loudly, uncontrollably, and it's scaring him. As soon as he goes up to her, she falls into his arms, and soon his t-shirt is damp with her tears. He tries to calm her down, anything to stop her from crying, and when that doesn't work, just tries to get her to talk. Answer him when he asks over and over, what's wrong?

"I didn't get the part," she says finally. "I didn't get four parts that I tried out for." She starts crying again. "And they're not happy with my acting on set, and my other movies haven't been doing well, and I'm so fucking _tired_."

She keeps on crying, and he just stays silent and rubs her back and kisses her forehead, and all he can think it, _so am I_.

He carries her to bed, and she falls asleep with tears still drying on her face. He remembers that dinner's still on the table, and that the candles are melting, except he can't be bothered to get up. All he does is wrap his arm around her, and waits for sleep to come. It doesn't come soon.

.

He tells her manager that she's just overworked herself and that she'll be fine in a couple of days, and she tells her every time she tries to get out of bed that she needs to rest. He thinks he sees something almost akin to hatred in her eyes.

He takes care of her for the next few days, cooking her food and doing basically whatever she asks him to. Most of the time she sleeps, but sometimes they talk, and once or twice he even sings her a song to help her go to sleep. Finally, he starts to see her relax, and her smiles become less uptight and more real.

One day, at random, she leans over and kisses him, smiling at him broadly, and it makes his heart flutter just like it did when he was sixteen. He smiles back at her, tangling his hand in hers.

"What was that for?" He asks.

"Just for being so good to me," she answers. He can't do anything except kiss her again.

This continues for a week, and it's the best fucking week of his whole entire life.

.

She goes back to work then, and she has to work harder than ever before to make up for the time lost. Now, he barely ever sees her. And worse of all is that he can't even write songs anymore, his passion for music temporarily (he hopes) dimmed. He starts getting calls from producers that he needs to write more songs, and he can feel the panic starting to rise in his chest.

"Just give me a little bit longer," he says. He hangs up before he can get a reply.

Two weeks go by and nothing happens, not even with Tori comforting him and urging him on. He tries to write down anything, anything at all that would inspire him, except it never goes anywhere. Pretty lines and ending melodies that never match, and it's about to drive him crazy.

He's been having another frustrating day when Tori comes home late one night, giggling a little. Her face is glowing, and her lipstick is smudged. As soon as she sees him, she kisses him, and he can taste wine and lipstick, and for a moment, he forgets who he's kissing. She breaks apart without warning and quickly and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek before she starts to head off to bed. He grabs her wrist before she can.

"Wait a minute, why are you so happy?" He says, and it's so different to that night a couple of weeks ago.

"Guess who's in my new movie?" She says, her voice on the edge of a squeak. She doesn't give him time to answer. "Beck!" He's left there standing speechless as she skips, literally _skips_, into the bedroom.

Just fucking perfect, he thinks.

He spends the next three days just sitting at his desk, tapping the pen against the wood and occasionally chewing on it. He can already here the music playing in his head, but the lyrics still won't come and he's still frustrated. All he can do is write one word,

_nothing_.

And then he smiles.

When Tori comes home three hours later, he grabs her around the waist and twirls her into the air, loving the sound of her laugh. He puts her down and smiles broadly at her, only saying,

"Baby, I'm back."

.

Everybody loves the song; Tori, the producers, even Britney Spears and Katy Perry want it. He's allowed to play the instruments, produce it, and even sing some back-up vocals for it. As soon as it's released on the radio, it goes straight to number one and they celebrate on his first big hit (even though it's actually his second, but people remember his name now).

He comes home and Tori congratulates him quickly, before hurrying out the door yelling something about needing to be at the set within twenty minutes. He can't really care; nothing can ruin his glow. He hears his song on the radio and sings along.

His next couple of weeks is filled with happiness and celebratory phone calls. His song is still number one, and is his biggest hit to date. He slams the phone down and turns around to face Tori, kissing her.

"Wanna go out tonight?" He asks. "My treat." She smiles, except her eyes are apologetic.

"Yes, but I can't. I have plans tonight."

"You're filming? I thought you'd finished," he says, his eyebrows knotted together in confusion.

"Yeah, we are, but we're all just getting together to have a party and stuff," she says, biting her lip. "I'm really sorry, André."

"It's fine," he says, shaking his head and kissing her on the cheek. "It's fine, you should go. I hope you have a good time."

She leaves, and so does he just five minutes later.

.

"Oh dear god, you're stalking me," is the first thing Jade says when she sees him. "First, it's your song on the radio, and now you're here at my house." She folds her arms over her chest and shakes her head. But she lets him in anyway, and, besides telling him to get off her good couch, doesn't yell at him either.

"I think Tori's having an affair," he says suddenly - which is a lie because he's never even voiced that idea to his thoughts before. Jade just looks at him and sips her coffee, her face emotionless.

"…And?" She asks when the silence has become too much. "What does this have to do with me?" He doesn't know what to say.

"I just, um, I don't really know," he admits, rubbing the back of his neck. "But Beck - "

"Oh no, don't you dare drag Beck into this," Jade interrupts, her voice louder than it was before. "Tori has you, Beck has me. That's the way it is, and if they're stupid enough to fuck with that than they deserve what's coming to them."

"Oh, and us?" He says, his voice hinted with disbelief.

"There isn't an _us_," she replies, her voice sharp. "That happened once, and that was to get them back."

"You make it sound simple," he mutters.

"You want it to be simple," she says. "Simple and perfect. And I'm sorry, but I don't think you can get that, only because it's not possible."

He just looks at her, and suddenly feels very, very tired. He slumps back into his chair, running a hand over his face as if he's trying to wake himself up from a bad dream. Jade stays silent, and he wonders if that's his cue to go.

He takes it as a yes when he walks out the door without her trying to stop him.

.

It continues for awhile: the song being successful, Tori and him fading, Tori and whoever still happening. He's going around in a loop, he can feel it. His head spinning and his bones aching and all the words echoing in his head, and it's all becoming too much for him to bear.

He thinks he can see the end coming sometimes, but he's never sure how, whether he'll be the one to end it, or she will (a bang & a whimper). He thinks that he smells expensive cologne on her, thinks that her hair always looks ruffled when she comes back, and that her clothes are never as neat as they were when she left. Yet no matter how many times he sees it, he always feels as if he can't let it go, just not quite yet - that he should give her a second chance.

It goes on for weeks and weeks, and he feels powerless to stop it. In fact, it's only when he sees Jade and Beck on the TV, kissing and looking so goddamn happy, as if to spite him personally, that he feels he needs to end it.

And so he sits Tori down later that night, his heart racing for all the wrong reasons and trying to blink away her nervous looking face. He can feel the words stumbling over each other in his head, and all he can think about it how much better this would all be if he could just write it in a song.

"Look, Tori, it's just."

He never gets to finish that sentence because his phone rings, and he needs an excuse not to lose her anyway.

.

His mother died.

Only seven people go to her funeral, and two of those people are him and Tori. Nobody else that he knows goes, because his father died years ago and he wouldn't have been invited anyway. And Tori holds his hand again, just like she did six years ago, except it's not nearly as comforting and tears shed down his face anyway.

This time though, there's music. Her favourite jazz song, her favourite piano ballad, and he even manages to find a recorded version of his mother and his father singing together. And right at the end, he plays piano and Tori sings, and everybody starts to cry again.

Once everybody's left, he stands by her grave for what feels like an eternity, just whispering apologies, for not being there when she died, for running away, for his father abandoning her. Everything he can think of. He feels movement beside him, and somehow manages to fall in love with her all over again when she stays with him the whole time

(- except not really).

.

He can't bear to visit his mother's grave again, but he can't really do anything, actually. He barely moves, barely eats, he can't even write songs, and nobody's pushing him because Tori knows what he's going through, and nobody else cares because his song is still in the top 40 and still making money.

Tori sits by his bed sometimes, looking down at him sadly and trying to take care of him. He tries to smile for her, but it never really looks anything except fake and stretched. After awhile, she stops, and he knows that she's given up - that she's said goodbye.

He writes one song two weeks after the funeral and throws it in the bin, because it's crap and everyone expects better of him. He writes another one, and that's awful too because it's just not him. At the end of the day, he hasn't written one good song, but his mind is more settled and he thinks he knows what to do (he just doesn't know whether he _should_ do it).

He starts to pack up his bags.

"I'm leaving," he says to Tori when she comes back. Her hair is messy, he notices, and his grip tightens on the handle of his suitcase. Her jaw drops slightly.

"Bu, wha, why?" She asks. "I love you." The words feel practised and nostalgic at the same time in his head. He gives her a small, sad smile that doesn't feel like his own.

"Possibly," he answers. "But I know I do, so, goodbye. I'll keep in touch - I promise."

She doesn't try and stop him, and he falters and has to stop when the door slams shut behind him, before he keeps going.

.

He doesn't know what he's doing. It feels like he's never been without Tori, not ever, even though he knows that he did for sixteen years. But the logical part of his brain seems to have disappeared. A

He needs to get away from Tori, so he turns his back on Hollywood, leaves the gleaming sign behind and tries not to look back. He moves to the very outskirts of California, which he knows is weak, but he's scared that he'll run out of money too quickly and will have to work his way back up the top again.

He's twenty-fucking-four, and he has no idea what to do or where to go, and he's still in love with his best friend, and it's fucked up. And all he has is a keyboard tucked under his arm and a backpack full of songs that people have already heard.

(He wants his next song to be called something like, _Starting Over Without You_, or something else like that. But it's actually called, _Shouldn't Have Left _and he just wants to hit himself.)

.

Fast forward a year and he's in the exact same place that he was, only now he plays in an old jazz bar and sings song that were too sad for people that weren't drunk on whiskey to listen to. He tends to go home with a different girl most nights, but he barely ever gets anywhere with her, and if he does then he always calls out the wrong name.

He'd trade it all within a second, not for the Hollywood part, or even the Tori part. But he'd trade it all to go back to being a teenager, before he started dating Tori.

(But he can't do that, so he bans himself from thinking of all the possibilities and traps it all into the black and white keys under his fingertips.)

He thinks he keeps on seeing her in the street sometimes, her brunette hair and sparkling eyes looking like they did when they were still young and not stressed. One time, he thinks he even sees Jade at the back of the jazz bar, smirking at him. But it was dark, and he has a feeling he was drunk anyway.

But most of all, he misses her voice, and the way that it sounded with his songs. Nothing could ever sound as good as her and his piano.

Nothing.

.

_mama, if we don't take medication,  
we won't sleep for days,  
mama, when we pray to the lord,  
does he sing on a stage?  
we waste it all, in the back of a long dark car,  
and i'm a sunshine machine,  
i want to get stuck,  
in your memories. _

_.

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious, or the end, or the title.**

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**A/N: Sorry for the errors & the ending. Review/PM me if you have questions/hated it/liked it/loved it/ etc. **


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